


Her lady lover

by froeken_frost



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, F/F, Minor Anders/Hawke, Minor Canon-Typical Violence, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Vaginal Fingering, smaller canon divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 08:41:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6111124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/froeken_frost/pseuds/froeken_frost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>- only a small contribution to Femslash February -</p>
<p>Four women and three relationships that spread over a lifetime, from the dense green woods of Ferelden, til the streets of Kirkwall and to the solitude of highest clerical power.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Merrill/Nir'vella: The Maiden

Of course she had expected the first few days among her new clan to be a little stressful. What Merrill hadn’t expected was this feeling of utmost exhaustion that caught her soon after the sun had begun to settle down for the uprising night. The cumulative impressions of the day kept circling around in her head; foreign faces with numberless unfitting names, strange sounds and scents, familiar to her own clan, but different in just the slightest noticeable way.

She was probably expected to join them on the campfire, enjoying the supper and participating in their jolly chatter. The bare thought of it seemed to drain her.

_Maybe tomorrow._

In the cooling dim of the balmy summer night, Merrill decided to roam a little outside their camping side, to make some use of the last hours of the fading sunlight. She followed the small, joyful mumbling creak, leading softly downhill.

As soon as the banter wasn’t carried to her ears, Merrill could feel how she started to relax again.

This wouldn’t be so bad! They had been quite accommodating and friendly today.

She repeated those thoughts a few time, along with her relaxing breathing. She _was_ after all aware of the necessary of her transfer. In her own clan, she would have been the fourth mage, a lingering threat to all the people she until now had called her family. Merrill never wanted to be a danger to them. So she had left when her former Keeper told her to.

Merrill stopped as she reached an old, down-bent willow. She slipped through the low hanging branches and sat down, her back against the rough trunk and watched as the silver-gleaming water of the creak passed by and made its way down into the valley.

It didn’t take long until she spotted a movement from the corner of her eye. Merrill slowly turned her head and smiled to herself as she saw the tiny bunch of mud-brown fur, its pretty pink nose held high into the air and sniffing if it could be possible to gather some food. Carefully not to move too quickly, she reached her hand down into her pocket und fetched the remains of the shallow bread she had for breakfast. She plugged a few small bits out and flipped them over to the little mouse. One, two considering heartbeats later, it overcame its fear and snatched it, as it nibbled savoring on the bread crust.

Then, from one second to another, the mouse froze in its movements and within a blink of an eye, it disappeared. Merrill let out a disappointed sigh but didn’t give it another thought, until she heard a tender voice behind her.

“A fair maiden underneath a weeping willow. Quite the cliché, though I must admit it looks quite nicely!”

Merrill jerked at the surprising sound of the unexpected voice behind her, she was on her feet in an instant. But before she could call on her mana, she recognized the girl who had approached her.

She could recall having met the other girl before, her dark tone of hair and skin making her somewhat unique among the clan, even though Merrill couldn’t remember her name.

“Pardon me?” Merrill felt slightly embarressed of her stuttering, but couldn’t help it. Words were hard to come by for her if she was forced to communicate without at least a little preparation.

The other girl smirked at her as she took another few steps forward, more carefully this time. Merrill felt awkwardly reminded of herself and the mouse just before, though she wasn’t sure if liked to play that particular role…

“You probably don’t remember my name, do you? I’m sure I wouldn’t, if I were you. There are, after all, quite a few of us.” The girl sat down next to the trunk, which made Merrill uncomfortable, since she was now staring down on her. So she settled down next to her, but kept her distance. Did the girl find her by accident or had she been following her?

She suddenly realized she hadn’t answered the other girl’s question. Or had it been an implication?

She shook her head slowly, hoping that her opposite really wouldn’t mind that she couldn’t remember.

“Nah, it’s fine. Just call me Mahariel. Everyone does.” The girl had plunged out a few strands of grass, yellowish and meager, since the broad branches of the willow probably took away most of the sunlight, and had started ripping them into tiny pieces, that fell on the ground, carelessly and neglected.

“Ooh, alright? But, isn’t that a rather unusual name?” The name felt slightly familiar to her. Someone had probably mentioned it today, but she couldn’t tell when.

The girl shot her a mischievous grin and her head directed to Merrill’s staff that laid beside her.

“You’re not the first outsider Keeper Marethari took in.”

Merrill’s eyes widened in astonishment. “You’re also a mage then?”

Mahariel shook her head as she laughed, a sweet, thrilling sound. One that Merrill actually liked a lot, but her cheeks turned hot anyway. Was she laughing because of her? Merrill certainly didn’t like to be made fun of.

“Sorry about that. No, I’m not a mage. There are other reasons to be allowed to stay among a clan, aren’t there?” The girl’s white teeth shimmered in the reddening light of the setting sun, which casted a warm shadow about the girl’s ebony skin. Merrill suddenly wondered how old she was. Maybe one, two years older than she? A small pang of envy growled in her stomach as she compared her own lanky, boring self with the beautiful girl in front of her.

“Is this like a riddle I’m supposed to solve?” Merrill asked in a playful tune. She realized that even though she had originally shunned away from company tonight, she found this kind of one-to-one conversation rather pleasant. Plus, now she began to feel curious about the girl with the warm, almost black eyes.

“If you like. Could be interesting to see what kind of stories you will make up! Not why I came after you, though.” Well, that answered at least one of her previous questions.

“You followed me? Why?”

Mahariel leaned in closer, as if telling her a conspiracy as silent as possible. “So that I could keep you from harm.” Merrill blinked a few times as she wondered what to make of it. Then she noticed the blunt smile upon the girl’s face.

“And besides you’ll be the First to our clan, won’t you? It’s my duty to keep you safe!” Merrill cocked her head at the girl’s statement, still unsure whether she was joking or actually believed this to be the truth.

Probably she was just joking and Merrill had missed it. At least she guessed it, considering the still broad grin she showed her.

“Ah, thank you then. But don’t worry, I can watch out for myself, you know?”

Out of the sudden, the girl turned stern again. Merrill actually kind of missed her smile. It had lit up her entire face. Now her brows had frowned and her posture tightened, as she slung her arms around her knees.

“I just thought it might be a good idea for you not to be alone tonight. I know the first night can be a tough one.”

Merrill leaned in closer. She felt sorry for not staying with the others. She hadn’t considered how impolite it must have seemed. Especially since the girl was nice enough to care about her.

“If I’m allowed to ask: Why _did_ you join the clan? Are you from a city?” Merrill knew there weren’t many city elves who left their home to join the Dalish, but there had been one woman among Clan Alerion who had done exactly this.

Mahariel shook her head weakly and shrugged the question off. “I don’t really know. I was found by the clan when I was younger. They took me in, when they didn’t need to. So I stayed.”

Merrill could sense the tension that radiated from the girl. She reached out to cover her hand with her own and squeezed it softly.

“I’m sorry. I guess, it’s easier if you know where you come from, isn’t it?”

Mahariel agreed after a second of hesitation. “I used to imagine there once was a Clan Mahariel. And that I was the sole survivor, but I don’t really have a memory from that time, only a blurred feeling. Do you know what I mean?”

She took a moment to consider. “Maybe? I mean, like when you try to remember something from when you were small and all you can think of is the distinct scent that reminds you of your parents?”

Mahariel nodded affirming. “Yes, like this. All I remember is my mother’s voice, when she called my name. Nir’vella. That’s what she called me.”

Merrill gave her a cheering smile. “Oh, that’s a lovely name! It’s so much nicer to have a real forename, isn’t it?”

The girl answered her smile again and Merrill was glad to see her happy again.

“Wouldn’t you like to be called like this?” She asked, but the girl only shrugged.

“I guess so. But everyone is used to calling me by my family name by now.”

Merrill cocked her head.

“I’m not used to it yet. I could call you by your first name.” She stated. The girl seemed to consider it for a few heartbeats, then relaxed again and leaned back.

“I think, I’d like that.”

Maybe life with her new clan wouldn’t be just so bad, Merrill thought to herself.

Maybe she had already made her first friend tonight.


	2. Merrill/Nir'vella: The Beloved

Nir’vella couldn’t spot Merrill’s familiar silhouette among the little crowd that had gathered around the campfire when they returned. Still, within an instant they were surrounded by them, light pats on their shoulders and congratulating words that blurred into a dense fog within her mind. She looked over to Tamlen only to see him just as obtained as herself.

“Creators, can’t you at least give them some air to breathe?”

Nir’vella giggled in joy as she heard Ashalle’s voice. With a lot of excuses and “talk to you later” she managed to make her way through her gathered clan’s people. A broad smile on her face she wrapped her arms around the older woman.

“It’s so good to see you again.” Ashalle told her, squeezing her for a few seconds. “The two of you have been gone for so long!”

“And I don’t get a hug? Well, thanks a lot!” Somehow Tamlen had also managed to escape the Clan’s grip and stepped at her side, the same grin played on his lips that she assumed to be visible on her own.

“Oh, my little boy! Of course you will!”

Nir’vella turned her head around again, but still there was no sign of the Clan’s First. She waited a few moments until Ashalle and Tamlen had parted again before she asked the elder woman for Merrill.

“Oh, I told her she should join us! But you know her, she was so obtained in her studies again! I guess she is still in that dusty old ruin she and Keeper Marethari discovered.”

Nir’vella shot Ashalle a quick, thankful smile and headed of. She could vaguely remember the way, it didn’t took her long until she spotted the ragged stone wall that belonged to the ruin Ashalle had been talking of.

She looked down at herself briefly. She truly looked awful. Her armor was a mess, stained with dried blood and dirt. She plugged out a few leaves that had caught in the claps and smothered the hair that had fallen from her braid back behind her ears. Not more she could do now to make herself presentable. This would have to do.

“Merrill?” She exclaimed in a soft tune as she entered the dark building. Sometimes she almost understood Merrill’s fascination for those old ruins. It felt like being wrapped by the remnants of long forgotten times. Then again, she remembered the dangers that could possibly hide within them. She ensured that her sword was set properly in place, but proceeded as she didn’t hear Merrill respond.

Nir’vella crossed the first, sprawling hall and entered a narrower hallway, only enlightened by a few sparse torches.

“Over here!” She finally heard the sweet voice resounding through the abandoned building.

Nir’vella quickened her pace, now also able to spot the dimmed white light that radiated from the tip of Merrill’s staff.

When she approached, Merrill lifted her gaze from the lithic rune she had been studying and looked up to her.

“Oh, it really is you!” Nir’vella could nothing but smile as Merrill rose swiftly and was in her arms within the blink of an eye. “I assumed you would want to spend some time with Ashalle and the Clan first.”

She inhaled the sweet scent of her hair for one lasting moment, her heart fastening at the sensation of finally holding her within her arms again.

“I missed you so much.”

Merrill tilted her head back and her eyes glowed in a darker shade of emerald in the sparse light.

“I missed you to, vhenan.”

Nir’vella’s hand reach up to cup her cheek and draw her in closer as their lips met. She felt Merrill’s arms wrap around her waist and up to her shoulders and for a blissful moment Nir’vella forgot about everything else but Merrill soft lips on her own and the blissful softness of her own body against hers.

“The two of you were gone for so long.” Merrill muttered, her breath like a caressing touch on her skin. “I was so worried something had happened to you.”

Nir’vella brought both of her hands up to her lover’s face, holding it carefully. “I’m back now. And Tamlen is, too. You could have said ‘Hello’ earlier if you hadn’t hidden away here.” She knew how Merrill could become sometimes, when her low self-esteem would convince her that she wasn’t needed or appreciated. A trait which she had tried to diminish in the years they spent together.

Even tough she had spoken in a light, joking voice, Merrill’s smile faltered a bit. “I know. I just –“

“Hey, it’s okay. I know you’re not one for the big crowds, and it’s fine. I found you, that’s what matters, alright?”

Merrill seemed to straighten up again, growing under the ensuring. Nir’vella tilted her head and captured her lover’s mouth again, tender nudges and pushes that were answered more than a little eager. She gladly opened her lips to let Merrill intrude, a delicious play of tongues as soft little moans spilled from her throat. Sounds that shot right to her core. She contemplated shortly if they could stay for a while to celebrate their reunion as Merrill pulled away.

“But, with you gone for so long: Have you found... them?”

Nir’vella nodded with a harsh little smile. “Those Shem will think twice next time they try and steal our artifacts!”

She was just about to continue her previous intention as Merrill let go of her and backed off, her features displaying her disapproving very clearly.

“I don’t like it when you’re like that.”

Nir’vella sent a silent prayer to the Gods to keep her calm, since she could anticipate where this was heading to.

“When I’m like what?” She asked, even though she knew the answer already. It wouldn’t be their first time to discuss about that certain topic.

“When you stick off to hunt other people. And you know what I meant.”

She let out a weary sigh at the sight of her lover’s tensed body. That wasn’t precisely how she’d imagined their reunion!

“We didn’t hunt them down for the sake of it. They stole our clan’s arulin’holm, Merrill. You know we can’t allow obscenity like this! Plus, it’s important for your work.”

Still, Merrill didn’t look convinced at all. Her arms crossed over her chest, avoiding eye contact.

“Sometimes I think you like killing those people.” Her head jumped up to meet her eyes. “Why else do you sign up for missions like that again?”

Nir’vella cocked her head and tried to take a step forward, cautious if Merrill would allow her to close in.

“Love, I don’t enjoy the killing. But I like to think I can render a purpose to the clan.”

Still, she didn’t dare to touch her lover, not with accusation like those still lingering between the two of them. At least Merrill had let go of her defensive behavior, though Nir’vella didn’t liked the uncertain nibbling on her fingers much more either. Merrill was such a clever, delightful person. She disliked how unaware of her own she could sometimes behave.

“It’s part of my duty to keep my fair maiden safe, isn’t it?”

Finally, this drew a smile on Merrill’s face again. The tension in Nir’vella’s stomach started to uncurl again at the sight of it.

“I told you a dozen times before, I’m far off from a fair maiden. I can defend myself.”

“Indeed, you can.” She offered Merrill an apologizing smile. “I’d still do anything to keep you safe.”

Merrill let out a deep, strangled sigh. “I was safe without the stupid artifact, too, you know?”

Nir’vella gave her a quick nod. “Still, the shem dared to sneak into our encampment to get to it. What if they get more courageous next time? I won’t allow them to thread the one that I love.”

Merrill’s expression softened despite her harsh voice. She meant every word of it. The moment it had dawned her that there had been Shem so close to where they were sleeping, something had clicked. She would not allow anyone to pose a danger to Ashalle or Tamlen or Keeper Marethari. Least to her beloved Merrill.

“Oh, ma vhenan. You should listen to yourself sometimes.” Merrill shook her head, but the little smile on her lips deepened. Her palm mused through her almost untangled ponytail. Nir’vella closed her eyes and nudged against the soft pressure.

Merrill rose to the tips of her feet to plant a tender kiss on her forehead. “I’m just sour about you being away for so long.”

Nir’vella slung her arms around Merrill’s slender waist and pulled her into a brief, intense kiss again.

“I’m so glad you returned unharmed to me.” Nir’vella answered her kisses, but the unease their dispute had raised in her denied to subside so easily.


	3. Merrill/Nir'vella: The Bygone

Merrill couldn’t think. It was like her train of thoughts had stopped and now denied to move for even a bit. She swallowed hard to get rid of the tightness in her throat, but it seemed to make everything even worse. She could feel her eyes watering but couldn’t bring herself to care about it as she threw her head back to face Nir’vella’s sunken-in posture.

“Since when is this going on?” The words tumbled from her lips before she could stop them. She knew it wasn’t exactly an appropriate thing to ask, but – oh Fen’Harel take her, she had _every_ right to know.

Nir’vella didn’t answered right away, her silence dragging out over seconds, resounding blunt and loud in Merrill’s ears. She kept her gaze lowered, staring at her entwined hands.

“It was just this one single time.”

The silently spoken words stung in Merrill’s chest, causing her to gnaw on her lower lip to keep herself from yelling.

“When?”

She wasn’t sure why she kept on interrogating. It wouldn’t help her to feel better if she could picture it all too vividly anyway.

“At the last meeting of the clans. You were busy, burring yourself into those studies with that First of Clan Lavellan and –“

“So now it’s my fault? Because I spent my time studying, you –“ Merrill grit her teeth, unable to complete her sentence without pitching her voice even louder than it already had become.

She hated this, this whole situation.

She shouldn’t feel this betrayed. She shouldn’t be that surprised.

The two of them hadn’t gotten along as well as they had in previous times. Still, she had hoped it would become better sooner or later. She had hoped for everything to get back to normal, to the caring, loving normal.

“Of course not, Merrill. Nothing about… that…. was your fault.”

She crossed her arms in front of her chest, her chin spitefully risen. “Then tell me why.”

Nir’vella shot her a sheepish glance, but turned away again after a second. Obviously even looking at her seemed to bother her.

“It was on the last evening. It had become late, and we were all very drunk by then. I had barely seen you in days and when I did, you hardly spoke to me.” She brushed her fingers through her raven hair as she spoke, rocking her body as if she had to fight for every word to step forward and spill from her lips.

“You know how things are between us lately. We hardly have time for us anymore. And if we do, we end up fighting. And then suddenly you spent all your time with that cute mage girl, talking about misinterpreted history and new crafted spells, and I – Well, I guess I got jealous.”

Merrill couldn’t believe her ears. “That’s your explanation? You got jealous because I talked about elven history with another woman?”

Nir’vella rose in one swift move, but then kept on the same spot, her hands trembling.

“It wasn’t just that, Merrill! I just realized you could do so much better than me! That you’d deserve someone who could actually understand your discoveries and who you could talk adequately with over your magic.”

She heard Nir’vella exhale deeply, before she dared to look at her again.

“I felt miserable, I was drunk, and I was lonely. And I made a terrible mistake, one I regret deeply.” Nir’vella took a step towards her, rising her hands pleadingly towards her but Merrill couldn’t bring it over herself. She stepped back and ignored the desperate gesture.

“You felt miserable. Because you thought you wouldn’t be good enough for me.” Merrill straightened her back. “And that leaded you to cheating on me.”

A hoarse laughter emerge from her throat. “You realize that’s exactly what you’ve been telling me for the last seven years? To have more courage and trust in myself?”

Merrill could tell how much her disgust-filled voice hurt Nir’vella. She could tell by the small frown of her eyebrows and the unsteady rub of her palm along her neck.

“I’m beginning to believe you were pretty much of a hypocrite, weren’t you?”

Nir’vella lifted her gaze, her eyes glowing black in her dark face. “Please, Merrill. Everything I said to you was nothing but the truth. You _do_ deserve better than me.”

Merrill stared at the woman she had once been sure she loved. And couldn’t even find the energy to discuss their further relationship anymore.

“What was her name?”

Nir’vella shrugged and licked her lips nervously. “Does it matter?”

Merrill nodded weary. “Which means you know it.”

“Rana. Her name was Rana.”

Merrill barked out a rough laughter. Suddenly the abyss between them didn’t feel paralyzing anymore. Instead, it seemed pretty easy for her to turn and walk away.

“I think you’re right. It – _We_ – stopped working for quite some time now. We should better end this now.”

She turned away and wanted to head back to the camp side as she felt a hand resting on her shoulder.

“Please don’t do this to us, love. We can live through this, I’m sure. We can improve – _I_ can improve. If I could only tell you how sorry I am!”

Merrill glanced over her shoulder, allowing herself one last time to drown in the dark abysses of Nir’vella’s black eyes.

“You did. But it changes nothing.”

She shrugged her hand of and left.

There was nothing left to say.


	4. Isabela/Merrill: The Beginning

Merrill took the second narrow alley after bypassing the small staircase. It was the second one, right? The dimly lightened street looked not at all familiar to her. She stopped and looked around, but couldn’t figure out where she had taken the wrong direction.

She muttered quiet curses to herself that she had forgotten her way home again. Hopefully no one would notice!

With a sigh she rearranged her bag and turned around. Back on the bigger main road she stood again. She gnawed on her lower lip trying to focus. Why did everything look so differently after nightfall? Maybe she should have taken the first diversion!

She headed back to where she thought to have chosen the wrong way, when suddenly she felt odd. Merrill couldn’t exactly tell what it was, but something had changed. Someone was watching her, Merrill was sure about that, their gaze upon her almost palpable.

She inhaled deeply to calm her fluttering heart in her chest and called upon her magic, manifesting in little, flickering flames above her palm, ready to fight if necessary. She couldn’t risk wearing a staff openly in the streets of Kirkwall, but she still was far from being helpless.

“Oh kitten, how often have Varric and I told you not to lurk around after nightfall?”

Even though she had prepared for an approach of some kind, Merrill jerked a little as she heard Isabela’s voice.

“Oh, it’s you! Sorry, I thought there was someone bad outside!” She quickly dimmed her magic again and the flames subsided.

The woman stepped out of the shadow with her long, languid steps. The twin daggers strapped at her hips reflected the lantern light for a second. Merrill couldn’t fight a jolt of envy as she watched her friend. Isabela always seemed to simply fit, fit in this city, fit into the half-silence of the night, fit into the shadows without being seen if she didn’t wish for it. Quite the opposite of herself, who always seemed to stick out among this crowded human settlement.

“I can be as bad as you want me to be, kitten.” Isabela purred as she stopped two steps in front of her, with this soft chuckle she usually did when she had implied something dirty. Even though Merrill couldn’t tell why she giggled now. But Isabela went serious again, one hand reaching out to lift her chin up so she could look Merrill directly into the eyes. “You alright?”

Merrill nodded assuring. Creators knew why her friends always seemed to be so apprehensive about her!

“What are you doing outside this late, anyway?” Merrill contemplated asking her the same thing, but decided against it. She would probably not want to know anyhow.

“I brought some apples to Anders’ clinic. I don’t think he has eaten in the last days. I was worried for him.”

Isabela shook her head with a soft groan, but padded her shoulder lightly. “You’re always worrying for everyone, sweet thing. But I guess I’ll need to have word with our favorite abomination about letting you walk home on your own after sunset!”

“Oh, don’t do that! It wasn’t yet dark when I left the clinic! And besides, he walked me the whole way through Darktown. I really thought I could find my way from there.” Merrill hurried to intervene. She knew Isabela only meant well, but the healer had enough trouble on his own and she didn’t wanted to add up to those.

“Well, the least he could do, but alright. Let’s get you somewhere inside so you can warm up a little!”

Merrill wanted to object, to tell her that going home was quite fine with her, but Isabela led her distinctly through the maze of Lowtown’s side roads until she could recognize her surrounding again, shortly before she spotted the ornamental figure above the door to the Hanged Man.

“Come on in, then!” Isabela requested, holding the door open for her. Merrill smiled sheepishly at her and entered, holding her breath as the emitting, smoke-filled air of the tavern confronted her.

Even after living almost two years in the human settlement, Merrill wasn’t quite used to places like these, filled with noisy people and the distinct mingle of the sweet sting of alcohol and the damp moisture of too many bodies in one spot.

Merrill blamed herself for not understanding these kind of human amusement. Varric and Isabela had chosen to make their home here, which implied there had to be some kind of allurement she hadn’t figured out for herself by now.

She hadn’t realized she had stopped until Isabela nudged her softly to step forward again. One arm slung around her waist, the woman led her two one of the tables a little remote from the noisy crowd.

Merrill knew she shouldn’t feel that kind of joy that jumped up and down in her chest at the touch, since Isabela probably only wanted to keep her from getting jostled against. But it still felt good. Protective. She quickly shook her head to dispel her thoughts.

A little too late she realized Isabela had talked to her.

“Someone is really distracted lately. I wonder why…”

Isabela had leaned over the table and rested her chin on her folded hands.

“I’m sorry, Isabela, I’m not sure if I’ll be the best company tonight.”

Or any other night, if she was alone with the woman, Merrill added silently in her thoughts. Not when Isabela kept bowing over like these with her far too much revealing shirts and those gleaming eyes fixed upon her. And certainly not when she seemed to always find a reason to maintain skin contact.

“Oh, personally I think you’re great company!” She shot Merrill another smug grin and ordered the waiter to bring them two ales, even though Merrill hadn’t expressed her thirst yet.

“So, how’s Anders holding up? Still pining for our Big Boy?”

Merrill had started toying with her interlaced fingers but now started to relax as Isabela directed the conversation away from herself and whether she was good company for Isabela or not.

“I don’t think he is. He almost never mentions Hawke, after all.”

Isabela rolled her eyes and grinned toward the waiter as he placed the glasses in front of them.

“Yes, none of them ever talks about the other one. And if the topic switches to one of them, the other blushs and falls silent all of the sudden. And if they’re together, they hardly get their tongues loosened. Unfortunately for them.”

Isabela took a long sip from her glass, before she sat it down again and shot her a mischievous look. “I tell you, we’ll have to lock them up into a room sooner or later if they can’t get their shit together!”

Merrill circled one finger along the edge of her glass, particularly avoiding to look Isabela into the eyes.

“It’s probably not as easy for them as you make it.”

“But it should, don’t you think?” Isabela started tapping her fingers on the wooden table. Merrill glance lingered on them, so elegant and long, thus so deft and skilled if Hawke needed a lock picked on their travels.

“But it indeed seems complicated sometimes. Just look at you, for example.”

Merrill flinched and caught Isabela’s teasing smile. She reminded herself to stay calm, but her heart kept fluttering against her chest.

“Oh come on, kitten. Do you honestly think I haven’t noticed?”

Merrill grit her teeth as she searched for the right words to untangle the unpleasant situation. She shouldn’t have stared earlier! She knew quite well that her behavior had been impolite!

“I’m really sorry, Isabela. I know I don’t always behave in the appropriate way. I’ll see to it so it won’t happen again.” She hurried to fetch a few coppers from her purse and left them on the table. She should leave, as quickly as possible.

She almost missed Isabela’s chuckle.

“Hey, stop that. Sit back down again!”

Hesitating she followed the invitation. She could actually sense the warmth in her cheeks. She was probably all red and obvious again.

“You don’t actually think that’s a bad thing, right?”

Merrill shrugged, uncertain how she should behave in a situation like this. Maybe she should start with explaining herself so Isabela wouldn’t get an even worse image of her.

“I don’t usually –“ She tried but stopped again as she couldn’t think of a way to finish the sentence, unable to put all what she wanted Isabela to know in such a short phrase.

“You don’t usually do women? Guess that wasn’t really a thing among the Dalish, huh?” Isabela cocked her head, but her broad grin had faded. Instead, her face showed a warm affection Merrill had seldom seen on it.

Merrill tugged her lower lips between her teeth. “No, that’s not it.” She shortly overweighed telling her about Nir’vella but decided against it. Not tonight.

“I have been with women before. Well, one woman. When I was still with my Clan.” And she didn’t even know if Nir’vella was still alive.

She felt a soft pressure as Isabela reached to palm her hands. “First love, and all?”

Merrill nodded, eyes fixed on the gentle hands laid upon her own, pale one. “And the only person I ever – You know.”

“Wait, but you’ve been away from your clan almost two years by now!” Clearly that had been the wrong answer. Suddenly she felt very insecure under Isabela’s ember eyes again. How dull her life must be in comparison with hers!

“Maker, kitten, you must be aching for it by now!” Isabela leaned in closer. “You could just have asked me, you know.”

A waft of Isabela’s scent brushed against her senses, rich and deep and sweet. Merrill swallowed hard to clear her throat, though her voice sounded still hoarse within her ears.

“I know you consider sex differently than I do, Isabela. I have always seen making love as something… very special.” She saw how Isabela arched one eyebrow and hurried to clarify what she meant. If only she wouldn’t be so clumsy with words!

“It’s not like I don’t like you. I’m just not in love with you.”

For some reason Isabela started laughing again, leaving Merrill a bit out of it.

“Oh kitten, I’m not asking you to marry me! I’m just offering you a little bit of distraction. No commitment, no bullshit. Just me and you and lots of fun.”

She really shouldn’t. It seemed wrong to her to just use another being for sex only.

Even though Isabela looked so pretty, with her smug grin on her soft-shimmering lips.

Even though the way Isabela sometimes touched her all casually felt really, really good.

Even though Isabela always found a way to cheer her up if she was too homesick to even leave her shack.

Merrill nodded faintly, a nervous smile on her lips.


	5. Isabela/Merrill: The Reunion

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” Merrill asked nervously watching Anders as he bowed over Hawke who tried vigorously to stay awake.

“Thanks Merrill, but I’ll handle it.” Anders didn’t even looked up as he spoke, his eyes fixed on the gaping, angry red wound across Hawke’s shoulder. Merrill could see Anders’ hand were shaking slightly as they poured the healing energy into Hawke’s body. Merrill could only imagine how the healer must feel right now. Seeing Hawke charging into the one-to-one duel with the bulky qunari had been a terrifying sight. Merrill assumed, it must have been even worse to watch when it was your lover risking their life like this, without the chance to interfere and protect them.

“Really, it’s fine, Merrill. Go over and talk to her already.” Anders shot her a quick glance, accompanied by understanding little smile underneath his messy blonde strands that had fallen into his forehead. “You two probably have a lot to talk about.”

Merrill averted her gaze, unable to hide the conflicting feelings from displaying on her face. She looked over her shoulder and easily found Isabela’s familiar figure, casually leaned against one of the church’s pillars. Anders was right about it, her throat grew tight by the mere thought of it.

Her attention was drawn back as Hawke started coughing, a truly miserable sound. Blood spilled from his lips and spoilt his chin. Anders’ fingers brushed soothingly along his jawline. Watching the intimacy of the scene made it even worse for Merrill.

“No need to worry, Merrill. You know I had worse. Just go ahead.”

She still didn’t feel quite at ease, but after all Hawke sounded better than she had expected him to. Besides, she never had the talent for healing as Anders had, neither the practice. She’d probably only be in the way.

So she gave the two men a quick nod and turn around, her attention automatically drawn to where Isabela had stood right before – and where she was not anymore.

Merrill hastily turned her head around the defiled chantry, still reeling over the shock of Isabela gone so suddenly and without any kind of goodbye.

Thankfully she was able to spot her quickly this time. Still, the narrowness in her chest was still there and palpable. Indecisive whether to wait for the other woman to approach her or to do it herself, she stood there for a few heartbeats, watching. Isabela was patting with one hand on the shoulder of a young boy, maybe at the age of ten or even eleven, who seemed not able to bear the proceedings earlier and now emptied his stomach next to the altar.

The last twenty-four hours felt suddenly just so surreal to Merrill. She had woken up beside Isabela, they had shared a quick breakfast and then left as Hawke had called them in. Everything had been just the way it had always been.

Then Isabela had started to behave strangely. And then she was gone, leaving only a short note that explained almost nothing. To Merrill, it had felt as if Isabela had left for good this time.

Slowly, she started moving towards her, but her steps were placed uncertain and hesitated. It had hurt to see Isabela run away, without any visible remorse. She _did_ come back, after all, which was a good thing, of course.

“Oh boy. Don’t worry, you’ll be better soon, trust me. I’ve seen my fair share of puking lads in my lifetime!”

Merrill stopped and waited. Her stomach still felt like a tense ball inside her. She thought of all the things she wanted to ask Isabela, all the things she didn’t understand, but wasn’t sure how to put them.

Isabela must have heard her steps, because she turned around only a few seconds after Merrill had stilled her steps. The usual grin was replaced by a little smirk that only reached her lips. Her ember eyes seemed darker, though this was probably because of the dim lightening inside the chantry.

“Hey kitten.”

The affection with which she addressed her sent a brief jolt through Merrill’s inside. The last day’s proceeding had left her nearly no time to come to her senses, nor to properly miss Isabela. Only the bitter taste of disappointment had stuck to her tongue all day.

And now, the qunari didn’t imposed a threat anymore. Kirkwall lost his ruler. Hawke was still alive. Isabela had vanished and now returned.

Suddenly it was too much for Merrill.

She was shocked over the cruelties she had witnessed on the streets tonight. She had feared for one of her best friend’s life. Isabela had vanished and now returned. Isabela had lied to them the whole time. She _had_ known why the qunari had still been in Kirkwall. If she had acted differently, the floor of the chantry maybe wouldn’t be slippery with blood.

Unlike before when she had entered the chantry, the heavy book in her arms, Isabela had seemed careless like always. Had joked with Varric, had been low-key flirting with Hawke. Merrill had avoided talking to her, or even being near her.

Now Isabela looked more insecure than Merrill had ever seen her.

“How’s Big Guy holding up?” She asked with a questioning nod in Hawke’s direction.

Merrill shrugged, but stayed in silence for a little longer, still trying to get hold of her mind again.

“He’ll be alright, I guess. A few of his wounds are bad, but Anders will fix them.” Merrill noticed she had started intertwining her fingers again. She stopped it immediately. She didn’t want to seem nervous. Not, when she was still mad with Isabela.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She blurted out suddenly. Merrill could feel how the blood summoned in her cheeks and ears, which reminded her of the times when Isabela teased her about blushing so often. Which made her a little nostalgic and a lot angrier.

Isabela let out a strangled sigh and cocked her head, her expressions softening. “What difference would it have made?” She stepped closer towards Merrill and laid her palm softly against her cheek. “The relict was my life insurance, after all. If I’d told you, you would have made me hand it back to the qunari, wouldn’t you?”

Merrill sighed softly, leaning in against the soothing impact on her cheek. She knew she shouldn’t give in as easy as she did. But Creators, she was just so relieved to have this woman back at her side again!

“Maybe? Ugh, I don’t know, Isabela.” She tilted her head and reached for Isabela’s hand, her fingers ghosting over the tanned skin. “I wouldn’t have forced you to do anything. I just…” Merrill licked her lips, gradually relaxing under the ember glance. “If you’d told us, or at least me, we would have protected you! I could have protected you.”

Isabela chuckled softly, the wrinkles on her forehead eased away. “I don’t need protection, kitten.”

Merrill nodded and closed the distance between them. Even with so much still unsaid, she needed this right now, needed to ensure herself that Isabela was truly back again, alive and safe.

“I’m just so glad you returned, Bela.” She murmured, her face pressed against Isabela’s neck. Her sweet scent surrounded her, a blissful bidding welcome.

For a few seconds they remained in silence, their arms slung around each other. Merrill held onto her as if this was the last chance she’d ever get. She tried to ignore the gaping silence between them, foolish as she was to hope for saying something like ‘I’ll always come back’ or ‘I’d never leave you’. Instead, their silence spread and expanded.

“Please, don’t run away again, not without saying goodbye?” Merrill wasn’t sure if Isabela head heard her, with her voice muffled against her skin, but Isabela started cradling her, moving her hands up and down Merrill’s back.

“I won’t, promise.”

Merrill smiled at the bittersweet assurance.

She had known right from the start, known that it wasn’t a good idea to get involved with Isabela. She had known that Isabela wasn’t someone for grand goodbyes and lasting relationships. She had known a day like this would come eventually. And it would come again.

Still, she wouldn’t want to trade it for anything.

“Let’s go home, kitten. I think I need a bath after all this fighting.”

Merrill denied to let go of her for a second more, to bring her facials under control again.

“Isabela? Better don’t steal any more relics, would you? Especially none of the Dalish! I once knew someone who was always quite out of sorts with humans who did those things.”

With relief Merrill noticed that Isabela’s laughter resounded like herself again, as she leaned over to tug her earlobe between her teeth.

“I got you, kitten. Why should I steal something else from the Dalish?”

Merrill chuckled softly and lifted on her tiptoes to plant a quick kiss upon her lips, profoundly ignoring the stinging pain Isabela’s comment left in her chest.

If only she knew how much Merrill wished for it to be true.


	6. Isabela/Merrill: The Farewell

Isabela had awoken in what felt like the middle of the night and got the impression she was even less rested then when she’d gone to sleep. She yawned and turned over, snuggling against Merrill’s sleep-warm body. Against what she’d anticipated, the small piece of sky she could spot through Merrill’s window began already to lighten, even though the sun hadn’t risen until now.

Isabela moaned at the thought of the pending day and buried her nose a little deeper in Merrill’s soft, raven strands. She inhaled her beguiling scent deeply, trying to brand the sensation of it into her memory. Maybe if she kept her lids shut, this day would never come.

“It’s so early! Why are you awake already, vhenan?”

Merrill’s voice was languid and hoarse from sleep and Isabela couldn’t remember when she’d ever heard anything more intruiging.

“I’m not, and you’re neither. We’re still sleeping and this day is still far away.”

Merrill chuckled tenderly and pushed back against Isabela and placing a soft kiss on side of her hand.

“You’re an incurable optimist, aren’t you?”

The joyous undertone stilled all the sudden as Merrill became earnest again.

“I don’t want to go through today either.”

Isabela nodded slowly against Merrill’s neck.

“I guess everything will be different from now on.”

“Probably. It’ll be so hard to say goodbye to the boys.”

She placed a soft kiss between Merrill’s shoulder blades, then another. Merrill’s small shudder underneath her lips drew a mischievous smile upon her face.

“I know. It’s for the best, though. You heard what the Nightingale-Lady said. If they really unleash an Exalted March on Kirkwall there’ll be no chance for Hawke to hide his lover-boy.” Isabela untangled herself from Merrill and rested her chin on her palm.

“Might be safer for you to leave the city, too.”

Merrill’s posture stiffened as soon as she’d outspoken the words, sat up and pulled the sheets up under her chin.

“We’ve talked about that already, Bela. I won’t leave the city just like that.”

Isabela watched her closely. Deep, dark circles loomed underneath her big, emerald eyes, which had her worried. Merrill probably couldn’t regain enough of her mana after yesterday’s battle. She did look similar exhausted as Isabela felt herself.

“But why not? I got a ship now, and a crew. Within a day, we could be off and safe from all Templars in the world!”

Merrill lowered her gaze and stared at her intertwining fingers she had started toying with again. Isabela leaned forward and placed her own palms on top of them to still her nervous movements.

“I just can’t. You’ve seen what Lowtown looked like. Half of our alienage has been burnt to ashes.” The sadness written in her lover’s eyes stung within Isabela’s chest. She hadn’t seen her like this after the disaster with her clan last year.

“I can’t abandon them now. We have to rely on each other. For sure, the humans won’t help us.”

She shot her a winced look. “Oh, I mean, you would, of course! But –“

“Merrill, I know. It’s alright, don’t bother.”

For a few moments neither of them said a word. Meredith might have been defeated, but the fighting hadn’t stopped yet. And this time, there was hardly anything Hawke could do to soothe the waters, not when he had to hide the one who finally triggered the uprising conflict.

“I could still hire the people left homeless by the fighting as my new crew and we could all sail into the sunset, you know?”

“The sun hasn’t even risen yet.”

Isabela chuckled at Merrill’s usual very literal perception. Even though she might have been joking, sometimes Isabela was still unsure about that. But Merrill seemed to deflate again.

“You want to go back, don’t you?” She slung her arms around her drawn up knees. “You miss having all of this? The sea, the sailing.”

Again she paused for a second, her desolate expression evoke a pang of guilt in Isabela’s stomach.

“You miss your freedom.”

Isabela run her fingers through her messy curls. She had feared for this kind of conversation ever since the two of them had become more serious.

“I have my freedom, kitten. You never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do.”

Merrill hold her gaze for a heartbeat, then sighed and leaned over, cupping her cheek with one hand.

“Maybe not. But look at you, sleeping over in my shack almost every night. Not objecting when I call you vhenan or tell you that I love you.” Her face hovered only inches from Isabela’s own now, the urge to pull her into a kiss and make her stop saying these hurtful words grew stronger each second.

“You know what I feel for you, kitten.” She answered instead, a tenuous attempt in comparison with the open-hearted display Merrill had always shown towards her. “And I _want_ to stay with you. Even if that means staying a little longer in that rotting city.”

Merrill drew her face closer until their lips met. Isabela moved over until she straddle her lap and could hold her closer.

Much too soon Merrill refrained again. “See, that’s what I meant.”

She lowered her gaze, obviously stuck with the sight of Isabela’s lips. “You’re not happy here anymore. You’ve been talking about finally sailing off again for the last couple of months now.”

She was right, of course Isabela had thought about that. How couldn’t she? The sea was were she belonged. The only place she’d felt like truly in charge, like truly her own. But couldn’t she feel like herself here, with Merrill, too? It would hurt them both if she’d leave now.

“I’m more than happy here, with you. You know that, kitten. And now let’s get some breakfast, bid our boys goodbye and forget about that, alright?”

She brushed Merrill’s lips briefly again and attempted to pull her off the bed, but Merrill restrained her hand.

“You say that now, yes. But you won’t stay content with living with me here. You’ll get bored with it, and you’ll blame me – or our relationship for that matter – from keeping you what you originally wanted.” Merrill let out a strangled sigh that seemed to come from deep down inside her.

Isabela needed to sit down on the edge of the bed, not sure if this was the usual low-self-esteem-talk they had now and then. It felt much more serious, suddenly.

“Merrill, are you trying to break up with me?”

Tears were shimmering in the corners of Merrill’s eyes, but she hold them back for now.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to, actually.”

Isabela reached to take her hands into her own, softly caressing her long, slim fingers.

And here it was. The time to tell her that she didn’t want to end things either. To tell her that she loved her and wanted to stay with her, no matter what.

Against all her predictions and expectations it actually seemed true. Though what Merrill had been describing… It was pretty hard to keep things hidden from her once she’d seen through a person. And of course the small elf had seen it right. She was so sick of this Maker cursed city with its gashing restrictions and politics. And now with the Mages and Templars still fighting in the streets… Well, to her it felt like the perfect time to leave the sinking ship. So to speak.

The impending threat was everywhere by now. Isabela’s chest narrowed by what had to come next.

“I don’t want to ruin whatever this is between us. Not by making you stay when you don’t actually want to.” Merrill continued, her voice a little broken by now. Those restrained cracks finally were too much for her. She pulled Merrill into a tight hug, wrapping her into her arms and buried her nose in the soft flesh of her throat.

“Neither do I.” She whispered against the smooth skin.

They seemed to remain like this forever, or at least that was what Isabela wished for. Eventually, she straightened her back again and took Merrill’s face into her hands. Her palms wettened by the tears that now streamed across her inked cheeks.

“I won’t become a second Nir’vella, got that? I won’t let us grow apart until one of us does a stupid mistake that destroys everything.” Her lips brushed against Merrill’s forehead, her cheeks, her nose, finally her lips. “I’d rather take a few short sailing trips now and then.”

Merrill attempted to shot her a weak, wavering smile. “And you would come back to Kirkwall now and then?”

“As long as you’re here, I’ll come back every time.” She lifted her hand and pinched her lightly into the reddened nose.

“But say the word and I’ll sail you somewhere nicer than Kirkwall.”


	7. Leliana/Nir'vella: The Premonition

“Here. That’ll make a decent spot to camp.” Nir’vella nodded, content with the little dell she had picked.

“Oh yeah, that’s great! You know what also was great? That other place, we passed by like an hour ago?”

Nir’vella rolled her eyes at Alistair’s exaggerated display, but gave him a soothing pad on his back.

“Why don’t you leave the scouting to the one who lived her whole live as a nomad roaming the woods and help with the tents instead, oh mighty warrior?”

Mocking him like that now led Alistair to feign an annoyed sigh of his own.

Behind her, she heard the lay sister’s faint giggle. Nir’vella bit down on her lip to keep her from smiling in response to the soft sound. At least their bickering was good for something!

They hurried to pitch the tents as quickly as possible, with all of their feet tired and their stomachs empty, while Sten set up the campfire with admirable skilled efficiency. Morrigan had separated herself again. At first, Nir’vella had assumed the mage simply despised their company. In the meantime though, she had detected the woman strolled off to place some of her runes around the campsite for extra protection. She probably still disliked them, though.

Almost well attuned from the past week’s travelling, it didn’t take them long until everyone was sitting around the crackling campfire, staring at the steaming cocking pot as if the stew would be done faster if they’d only focused hard enough on it.

Ma’fen seemed to be the only one who still had enough energy left to jump and play around, exploring their resting place for tonight any further. One the other hand, it _was_ quite difficult to exhaust the exuberant dog.

Nir’vella relaxed a little in the half-silence they’d settled into. She had come to appreciate their shared evenings, filled with meaningless chit-chat. It almost felt like she was back with her clan sometimes.

A bark from Ma’fen drew the attention. Nir’vella mused how hilarious the must look if watched from the outside – all of them turning their heads as if on command – just to see the dog digging furiously on a mouse hole.

“He’s probably just trying to find a way through the earth.”

Sten looked at her with a confused glance. “That’s illogical. It would take him too much time. He’d never make it.”

Nir’vella chuckled at the Qunari’s ruthlessness, but turned serious again as she saw him frowning.

“Right you are. Maybe he could use a little help? If you would aid him, he’d be finished much faster.”

Nir’vella was unsure if the bulky man was really considering her suggestion of if he was judging her for her skewed attempt to joke.

“I _am_ strong, after all. We would indeed finish the task much more quickly together.”

Nir’vella tried her best to maintain her serious façade, but out of the corners of her eyes she saw how Leliana hid her mouth behind her hands, clearly striving not to burst out in laughter.

Fortunately for all of them Alistair declared the stew done, providing a most welcome distraction.

 

* * *

 

 

“Alistair, what… _exactly_ was that… stew we had for dinner?” Leliana asked reluctantly while they were cleaning up and prepared for the night.

“Oh, that? Traditional Fereldan lamb and pea stew. Did you like it?”

Nir’vella left the two to it, gripped her sword and marched over to the light of the campfire to clean it off the sticky, black darkspawn ichor. Sten sad next to her, starring wordless into the flames and Nir’vella was thankful for not needing to carry on a conversation. The quiet warrior was fondling Ma’fen’s fur with one hand. If the dog was laying like this, with his stomach up in the air, wiggling tail and growling contently, she found it rather hard to believe he was supposed to be a dangerous wardog. Nir’vella shot him a content little smile and focused on her blade again.

After a while Alistair and Leliana returned. Nir’vella hold her glare a second too long and was promptly caught looking by the bard. She felt her ears darkening a little, absolutely unnecessary.

This was stupid. She was stupid!

“All right then, bedtime everyone!" Alistair stated, his mouth torn into a sustained yawn. “I can take the first watch.”

Nir’vella shook her head affirmatively. “Absolutely not, Alistair. You were up all night again from your nightmares. You’ll need the sleep.” She declared in this particular tune she knew he would obey to.

“I’ll take the first watch, Sten can take the second one.”

Leliana, still standing and looking from one to the other, settled next to her now, patting her knee casually. Nir’vella pretended it absolutely didn’t happen. Ever.

“You haven’t slept much either, last night. I should take over for you.”

Most definitely ignoring the fact that her body’s whole awareness now focused on the spot where Leliana had touched her, Nir’vella objected again.

“No, you already had a night watch yesterday. I can take it.”

Leliana shot her a playful glance she couldn’t quite interpret. “Maybe I just keep you company, then. I wouldn’t want you to fall asleep partway.”

 _That_ was most definitely a terrible idea. Unfortunately Nir’vella could see now way to tell this to the other woman without sounding… well, awfully rude.

So she nodded and surrendered. Hopefully this wouldn’t get too awkward.

 

* * *

 

 

“Aah, but the shoes… Living with those ridiculous trends was worth it for the shoes!”

Well, one the one hand Leliana seemed to enjoy herself, Nir’vella stated. The downside of her encouraging Leliana to tell her more about her life in Orlais as that Nir’vella had absolutely no idea about fashion, or recent trends. Or shoes in general, for that matter.

“So, ehm… They were special, then, these shoes?”

Alright, this _was_ awkward. Nir’vella was just grateful that Leliana didn’t act like it. She scolded herself for not getting her head together. She used to be good at this! Making friends had always come natural to her, as long as she could think of it!  
And now it was all different. Well, of course it was, if she was looking at Leliana the way she unfortunately did.

She was on the best way to develop a serious crush on the human woman, for Creators’ sake!

It dawned to her, that Leliana had been talking all the time, while she had pondered about a meaningless crush on a likely straight woman. Splendid.

She caught on with Leliana’s monologue when she was just about to describe the latest fashion of shoes, in soft colors and ornamented by ribbons, an additional which Nir’vella couldn’t quite understand.

“Didn’t that make it hard to walk in?” She asked, merely confused.

Leliana stared at her for a few seconds, blinking in astonishment.

Great, so now she’d said something hideously stupid.

Nir’vella put on the most innocent looking face she could think of and hoped for the best.

“Well, you see, on an Orlesian party you don’t walk around very much. And if, then only on flawless marble ground. Or you dance.” Leliana smiled and sighed, growing a little nostalgic.

“I do miss the dancing.”

Nir’vella could sniff her chance to change the topic towards something she could contribute again.

“When the clans met up at _Arlathven_ , there’s always a lot of dancing, too! And celebrating – and Creators, the alcohol! We usually go on for days! Well, the hunters and warriors, at least. For the mages and Keepers it’s more serious business.” She most certainly tried not to think about what happened between that girl and her at the last _Arlathven_ , so she continued quickly.

“Though, I’m afraid I can’t tell you much about the latest trends regarding shoes among the Dalish.”

She wiggled her naked toes playfully to underline her utterance.

To her delight, Leliana chuckled again.

Nir’vella decided she most definitely liked the sound of it. Especially, if she was the one who drew it from her?

“I’m quite certain your armor came with boots along, you know? Maybe you should consider wearing them sometimes.” Leliana teased.

“It did. But they’re just so… clunky.”

“I know, right? These Fereldan boots are just so ugly and shapeless! Well, at least they keep the cold out. That’s something.”

 

* * *

 

 

Despite Leliana’s intention of making sure Nir’vella wouldn’t fall asleep during her night watch, Nir’vella found herself in the precarious situation of the very-much asleep Leliana leaning against her shoulder.

At first they had simply sat next to each other as they fell into a comfortable, relaxed silence.

Then Nir’vella was startled when she sensed the sudden touch on her shoulder as Leliana had fallen asleep. Which led to the said precarious situation.

She didn’t dare to move because she was afraid that might wake her up, but didn’t think that this kind of sleeping position could be especially comfortable either.

On top of that, Leliana had now started mumbling in her sleep with a fine, sleep-hoarse voice that sounded outrageously cute in NIr’vella’s ears.

She should most certainly wake her up, before the woman muttered something that she didn’t intended Nir’vella to hear.

“Leliana?” She tried, but calling her name didn’t cause any reactions.

Nir’vella raised her hand to nudge against the woman’s shoulder.

Which caused a faint snore and made Leliana snuggle up against her shoulder a little more.

Nir’vella decided that was not an option either.

She shifted deliberately, on hand supporting the woman’s side so she wouldn’t fall over, then wrapped one arm around her shoulders. She hooked the other under the back of Leliana’s knees, when her mind came up with the sudden image of Leliana waking up while she was still carrying her around. She felt mortified for a second by the mere thought of it, but decided to go through with her plan anyway.

She lifted her up easily, the woman was all skin and bone after all, and she herself a trained warrior. She carried her over to her bedroll, when Leliana started to shift in her arms, buried her face into Nir’vella’s shoulder and relaxed again.

Creators have mercy on her!

Carefully, she laid Leliana down on the thin bedroll and pulled the blanket over her sleeping body.

Relieved to have gotten that over with without making an idiot out of herself, Nir’vella leaned back. She couldn’t help herself but let her gaze linger a little longer on Leliana’s peacefully rested face, hidden by the knowledge she was the only one left awake. The dying campfire cast a soft, orange light on Leliana’s closed, peach-colored lids, and danced over her beautiful red hair, that had felt so softly, when it had touched her skin.

Oh, Dread Wolf take her, she was already in too deep!


	8. Leliana/Nir'vella: The Indulgence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, I had planned for this chapter to contain some plot, some real dialogues, and first afterwards a little bit of sexy time.  
> Then it got out of my hands, and...  
> Well, I guess it's PWP now. Whoops!

It was a true pleasure to be out of the heavy, pretentious armor that she was obliged to war as the Warden-Commander.

All it was made for, was to make sure she looked like the most dashing, daunting warrior in a room filled with people who probably handled their swords just as well as she did, if not even better.

So now, clad only in her azure undergarments, Nir’vella enjoyed her new bought freedom and the comfort that came along with it, especially since it meant she could get rid of those ridiculous boots and feel the softness of the carpets underneath her bare feet again.

Which had the positive side benefit that she could sneak behind the guards back easily, since there was no heavy metal attached to her armor that could reveal her presence by clanging loudly.

Admittedly, those guys weren’t exactly the most vigilant guards that had ever roamed Thedas, though.

Not that they’d had any reason to be, since Val Royaux’s Grand Cathedral was generally well guarded form the outside, in the inner courtyard an on every other entrance. Any entrance they knew about, anyway! She would have to tell Leliana about the unguarded secret passage she’d used to sneak inside after tonight, so the Spymaster could secure it.

Nir’vella kept moving swiftly across the ornamented corridors, until she found the room she was looking for.

A little surprised she noticed the lack of guards in front of the door. Determined not to bother and simply being thankful for one less obstacle, she tested if the door was left unlocked, which it, of course, wasn’t.

She it back an unnerved sigh and shot one quick look in each direction, but the corridor was still empty, so she dared to rummage her pockets for the lock picks.

She had learned one thing or another from Zevran, but she wasn’t sure if she could manage this particular lock. Not that it would have bothered her much. She _could_ still knock, after all, but that would diminish her surprise!

She had already broken two of her tools, when she heard heavy footsteps drawing nearer.

She still considered if it was worth the risk to stay and give it another try or if she should rather flee and hide, when the door was suddenly unlocked from the inside and opened, revealing a very cheerful Leliana in an utmost appealing nightgown.

Nir’vella didn’t hesitated to wonder how her lover had known, but stumbled onto her feet and inside.

Leliana closed the door, carefully not to make a sound, then remained standing there, with her back leaned against the heavy wood, smirking at her.

“Well, hello you.” She mocked. Nir’vella’s ears were glowing from both the embarrassment of her unsuccessful attempt to surprise her and the rush of almost being caught.

“Hey yourself.” In one smooth motion she closed the distance between them, but remained just far enough away so their bodies didn’t touch yet. Within a second, Leliana’s hand was gripping at her tunic and dragged her close, pressing their bodies together in one deep, hungry kiss.

Nir’vella couldn’t help but smile against Leliana’s gorgeously soft lips. Not exactly how she had planned for this to go, but Creators, she sure wouldn’t complain about it!

Her hands started wandering off on their own, exploring the sensation of Leliana’s soft, pale skin underneath the silken obscenity she was wearing.

“I take it you were expecting a visitor?” She teased as Leliana’s mouth broke away from her lips and shifted towards her throat and neck.

“I can’t recall you wearing silken lingerie, at least not to just sleep in them!”

In the dimly alit room Leliana’s eyes glistened in a dusky shade of blue as she faced her again.

“You weren’t really expecting to sneak into the Grand Cathedral without me noticing it, were you?”

Nir’vella chuckled I defeat. Actually, that _was_ what she had hoped for. She should have known better.

“Oh shut up, you!” Nir’vella rebuked her and claimed Leliana’s mouth once more. Her lips parted eagerly as she let her tongue dart out to tease her. The fine groans that drew from Leliana sent small spikes of desire right through Nir’vella’s spine.

She reached for Leliana’s hands that were clawed into her shoulders and gripped them at the wrists, pinning them effortlessly above Leliana’s head against the door.

Leliana muffled a small, surprised cry by biting her lower lip, but Nir’vella brushed the thumb of her free hand along the discoloring flesh.

“Stop that. I want to hear you.”

Leliana tried to reach for her mouth again, struggling against the firm grip with a deliciously offended expression on her face, especially when Nir’vella withdrew just enough so she couldn’t touch her.

An unnerved groan was the only answer she got, though, beside the evil eye Leliana shot her.

Fiendishly enjoying the whole scenery, Nir’vella let her fingers digress a little, tracing along the elegant sway of Leliana’s collarbone and nudged at the silken strap until it slit from her freckled shoulder.

“Oops. That shouldn’t have happened. I apologize.” She commented, delighted to make Leliana writhe underneath her as she bent over, mouthing along the exposed skin above her full breasts.

Her fingers found the hardening peak underneath the silken fabric and gave it an experimental, light squeeze.

The sharp hiss that fled from her lover’s lips sounded just so lovely, but she wanted more. They hadn’t seen each other in six months now, and she wasn’t in the mood for hour-long teasing.

“Keep your hands in place. Move them, and I’ll stop.” She ordered her lover with a low growl. Leliana objected briefly but otherwise obeyed.

Nir’vella reached for the hem of her nightgown and pushed it up to Leliana’s hips, pleased to find her lover naked underneath it.

She nudged her legs apart, pressing her thigh between them and kissed her again, one hand entangled in her velvety hair, softly pulling her head back.

Leliana ground her against her, desperately searching for friction.

“Missed me that much, love?” She muttered softly against her ear, answered quickly by yet another groan and an erratic jerk of Leliana’s hips.

Nir’vella grinned mischievously and nibbled along Leliana’s exposed throat, her free hand cupping her full breast, her thumbs toying with her hardening nipple, until Leliana’s moans grew ragged and urgent again.

 _Definitely enough teasing now!_ Nir’vella decided as she dropped down on her knees, pressing open-mouthed kisses along.

“You may move your hands, if you wish to.”

The second she’d finished, she felt them, tousling through her own messy, black curls, pushing her down between Leliana’s legs.

Nir’vella curved her hand around the back of Leliana’s thigh and lifted it up, so she could rest her leg on her shoulder.

Splayed before her like that, Nir’vella took another second to appreciate her beauty, glistening by her desire.

Without any more prior warning she pressed one firm kiss upon her sex, thrilled by her lover’s intoxicating scent and her sweet taste. The little outcry Leliana couldn’t hold back this time, shot right down towards her own, throbbing center.

“Creators, you’re gorgeous like this, love. Just like that, let them hear you!”

She swept her tongue along Leliana’s wet slit and pressed in gently, once, twice.

One of her hands moved up to cup the softness of her breast again, making Leliana arching against her touch, the other one still on the curve of her butt, only to move now and replace her tongue. Wet and worked-open as she was, Leliana took one finger easily, riding against her hand to thrust her deeper into her.

Nir’vella added a second and curved them upwards, stroking slowly over the sweet spot inside of her that made her lover moan even louder, incoherently spilling Nir’vella’s name from her lips.

She let herself indulge in the beautiful sight of Leliana towering above her, with her head thrown back and her body arching against her.

Then she lowered her gaze again and closed her lips around Leliana’s swollen apex.

Her fingers still curled up inside her, stroking her in a fastening rhythm, she sucked briefly on Leliana’s clit, then started working her tongue against her tip at the same rhythm.

Leliana’s grip within her hair tightened, evoking sharp stings that radiated from her scalp and made her groan in response.

Not long, and Leliana tensed around her fingers, her moans breaking into a wordless cry as she pushed her over the edge.

Nir’vella eased her carefully through her aftershocks, until Leliana’s head fell back against, the wooden door, her chest moving heavily by her panting.

“Stop smirking like that. It’s not exactly ladylike.” She teased, still a little out of breath.

Nir’vella giggled and rose, only to get pulled into another, nonetheless hungry kiss.

“Sorry to disappoint, but neither is being loud enough so that the entire Grand Cathedral can hear you.” She murmured between their kisses.

Leliana answered to that with a half-hearted punch into her gut, but there was no way to take her serious, not with that happy grin of hers still on her lips.

“I missed you too, love.” Leliana whispered against her mouth.

“It has been too long.”


	9. Leliana/Nir'vella: For good this time

The towering rock formation seemed to be the last only thing Leliana was left to think about with the burning, merciless sun above, and the swaying pace of her mount beneath her, that was presumably just as exhausted as she was herself. And all around her she found nothing but the forlorn, endless desert that seemed to drain each drop of water left within Leliana.

Who would have guessed she’d ever miss the cold, clammy corridors of Skyhold? After almost a month on the read, the lonely castle in midst the Frostback Mountains seemed distant as from another lifetime.

Yet despite all the unpleasantness, she had felt strangely thrilled by the prospect of getting back on the road for a long trip again, freed from the duties and expectations that had weighed on her for almost two decades now.

Leliana chuckled silently at the thought of it.

Had it really been this long? Where had the time gone?

This travel, finally on her own for once again, had given her plenty enough time to ponder about such meaningless questions.

Her hand reached up to brush over the bag strapped onto her travelling armor. Nir’vella’s letter stored away carefully within it, treasured and more often skimmed through than she felt comfortable with to admit.

Josephine had insisted for her not to travel alone, to at least take some sort of bodyguard with her. Leliana had objected. After all, she did travel all by her own, when she’d been younger, too.

Another brush over the leather bag.

It wasn’t exactly the entire truth, though. Most of the times she had travelled in company. But this, she had sensed, was a journey she had to make on her own, in order to taste something of the familiar, but too long neglected headspace again.

Once she had roamed Ferelden’s beautiful landscapes on the side of the young dalish warrior, when in a time threatened by the Blight, they had found consolation and love, even though she’d already given up on that hope.

Once they’d promised each other that nothing would ever come between them.

How pathetic, how naïve they’d been.

There could never be a happily ever after, not when life went on.

Leliana groaned softly. Enough time had been wasted by now.

With the Inquisition annihilated, the Inquisitor vanished, but at least Divine Victoria’s power established, she’d found herself free of her burdens for once.

She had sacrificed enough of their personal happiness.

It was about time to indulge in some selfishness for once.

The sun-burned skin on her lips ripped a little as Leliana smiled to herself, leaving them sticky from her quickly drying blood.

She was free, after all these years.

She would join her love again. For good this time.

 

* * *

 

 

It took Leliana two more nighttime’s travel and a good part of the days to reach the appointed venue.

The nature of the meeting point Nir’vella had suggested still amused her. For sure, the towering rock formation was probably the spot least likely to be missed, but Leliana knew her Warden well enough to sense that she’d chosen the location because of the sweeping scenery. Nir’vella had always had a soft spot for the big gestures.

When Leliana finally drew closer, near enough to spot the little details on the surface of the rock formation, her nerves stared to work against her.

She thought back to the last time they’d seen each other, when Leliana had still served Divine Justinia in the Grand Cathedral. After their way too short time they’d spent with each other, Nir’vella had told her she’d be gone for a while, travelling to the unknown countries to the west, while Leliana was still indispensable, to find a cure for the Calling that would rip them apart eventually.

Then Nir’vella had vanished for years, leaving Leliana behind, anxious and praying that nothing would have happened to her.

Nine long years, their silence only interrupted by a few, long-travelled and delayed letters within the last of those years.

Presumably she shouldn’t be surprised that she felt a little nervous about finally meeting her again.

She knew she had changed, and she could only begin to imagine how much her lover had might have done the same over the last years.

When she reached the bottom of the formation and she couldn’t spot any evidence of Nir’vella’s presence, she dismounted and took care for her loyal horse that must feel just as exhausted as she herself did.

Nonetheless, she patted the chestnut’s flank and started exploring her surroundings. After a few minutes, she found a small trail that lead to the top of the rock formation, even though it was a severe endeavor to climb along the beaten path with the sun almost at its zenith.

When she finally reached the end, the sight that she was provided definitely compensated for her efforts.

From here, the skeletal, dried landscape shimmered in the heat of the midday sun, splayed out underneath her, as far as her eyes could reach.

Further to the west, she could spot the turquoise surfaces of the Sulfur Lakes glistening in the distance, poisoning the land and making it even more inhospitable, though they seemed like valuable gems trimmed onto the landscape.

“I thought you’d like it here.”

Leliana closed her eyes at the sudden sensation of the sound of the smooth, rich voice behind her. She sent a quick prayer towards the Maker for this not to be a mirage, crafted by her own, desperate mind.

She gnawed on her lower lip for second, before she dared to turn around and opened her eyes slowly.

No mirage, no delusion could ever compare to the sight of her beloved in front of her now, again, after being separated for almost a decade.

Her broad grin, white and shining against her dark, beautiful face, bid her welcome, declared her to be at home once and for all.

The urge to simply lounge forward and throw herself into the woman’s arms was hard to withstand.

She did not, though. They weren’t wanton adolescents anymore.

Nir’vella took a few more stops into her direction, her hands reaching out towards her.

Leliana mirrored her gesture and took her hands into her own.

Out of the sudden, Leliana could feel her inner tension crumple. The exhaustion that had lurked in the back of her mind ever since the Exalted Council at the Winter Palace.

She rested her forehead against Nir’vella’s and exhaled deeply.

Leliana didn’t know how long they stood there like this, sharing the sensation of each other’s presence.

Eventually, Nir’vella’s hand were withdrawn from her owns, but seconds later, strong arms wrapped around her, inviting her to let go, to rest against the warrior’s chest like she had done so many times in previous times.

Leliana lifted her head to meet Nir’vella’s gaze. What she saw, let her inside cramp for a second.

Nir’vella’s face seemed sharper than in her memories, the skin tense over the boney structure of her face. She could spot the fine, black lines that interweaved her once perfectly smooth skin, subtle evidence for the Taint that still spread within her blood.

But what really had Leliana frightened were Nir’vella’s eyes. Once deep and black, appearing to absorb every bit of light that touched it. Now they were discolored, lucid stains in them and her pupils had turned pale.

Nir’vella’s smile faltered and ceased. She must have guessed what Leliana was thinking.

“How long?” She asked, her voice hoarse from the dawning awareness.

“It looks worse than it is, Leli.” Nir’vella tried to appease her, but Leliana couldn’t shake it off that easily.

“I should have come sooner.”

A tear gleamed in the corner of her beloved’s eyes.

“I know you couldn’t.”

Leliana reached down and wiped the salty wetness from Nir’vella’s face.

She was smiling. Despite her threatening Calling, despite the time they’d wasted, Nir’vella was still smiling.

Her lover closed her eyes and leaned into her soft touch, a blissful expression on her face and as despite all as beautiful as Leliana had kept her in her memory. She could do nothing but bend over and capture her lips, missed for so long, tender as remembered in countless lonely, longing nights of solitude.

Feeling her lover’s respond against her lips, sparked something inside her again, beside the physical desire, but a kind of contentment she hadn’t reached for what seemed like ages.

When they parted, Leliana kept her lids closed for a second longer, not ready to let go again already.

“Can you hear the Calling already?” Afraid of the answer she might get, she opened her eyes reluctantly, but early enough to see the flash of remorse on Nir’vella’s face.

“Yes, I can. It’s distant, but it’s there whenever I don’t focus on anything else.” She hugged her more tightly, pressing their bodies together as a solace. “But I adapted to the thought. It’s going to be alright, love.”

Her strong fingers entangled with her hair and found the small braid Leliana still used to wear in it.

“I might still have a year or two until it will become unbearable.” She planted a brief kiss upon her forehead. “If you still want me, though.”

The anger and desperation within her chest threatened to overwhelm her.

She pulled Nir’vella closer to her again, clasping her as tight as she dared to, as if the Taint could pry her away within the next second.

“Of course I do, love. But I am so, so sorry for not leaving earlier. You should have written to me how bad your condition really was. I would have left. I would have found a way –“

Every word dragged on her mind, a blur of she-should-have’s and what-if’s.

Nir’vella chuckled softly against her ears. “What happened to ‘love is common, love is simple’?”

Leliana grit her teeth as she heard her own words from her beloved’s lips. She remembered how hurt Nir’vella had looked like when she had outspoken them for the first time.

“Remember how Wynne once scolded us, because we indulged in our selfish, little love story while the world was at stake?”

Leliana twisted her mouth at the reminder.

“She told you that love is utterly selfish and that our duties must always come first. You were pretty distraught afterwards.”

She couldn’t help but giggle at the memory.

The corners of Nir’vella’s mouth lifted, too, her eyes shining a hint more than before.

“Our duties have taken priority for long enough now. And they will again, when I am forced to leave for the Deep Roads to answer my Calling.  
We earned ourselves a little selfishness by now, don’t you think, my love?”

For as long as Leliana could recall, she had spent her time trying to predict all possible future outcomes.

Letting go of it now, and simply taking the offered hand, taking things as they’d come, was both terrifying and enthralling at the same time.

“As long as we get, then.” Leliana whispered, before she claimed Nir’vella’s lips again.

“As long as we get.” Her lover mouthed against her.


End file.
